In a verdict that’s left Premier League footballers from Tyneside to the Thames baying for blood, a notorious Italian burglary ring – the same family outfit that rifled through Alexander Isak’s luxury Darras Hall mansion, swiping £68,000 in bling, £10,000 in cash, and his prized £120,000 Audi RS6 – has been hit with the most insulting compensation order in British legal history: £1 per victim. That’s right – for a £1.2 million haul of high-end hauls from three North East properties, including the Newcastle United striker’s pad, brothers Valentino and Giacomo Nikolov, their sister Jela Jovanovic, and her son Charlie Jovanovic must cough up a grand total of £3. Plus £1,100 from Charlie’s seized slush fund. “It’s a farce,” thundered Isak’s agent in a furious statement, as the gang’s Proceeds of Crime Act hearing at Newcastle Crown Court on Wednesday devolved into a masterclass in judicial penny-pinching, sparking a nationwide uproar over “celebrity justice” and the impotence of the UK’s restitution racket.

The saga reads like a bad sequel to Ocean’s Eleven, but with more Prosecco and fewer happy endings. The quartet – a tight-knit clan of “professional touring burglars” hailing from Milan and Napoli – jetted into Dover via ferry on March 27, 2024, in a Citroën C3 scout car and a Ford motorhome “base camp” parked at dingy service stations like Scotch Corner. Armed with masks, gloves, and a stolen number plate strapped on with elastic bands (subtlety not their forte), they spent days loitering near Newcastle United’s Benton training ground, snapping pics of players on burner phones to clock routines. “Clear evidence of surveillance,” Judge Robert Spragg boomed during their May sentencing, where they copped 6-10 years each for conspiracy to burgle – Valentino, the convicted holdout, drawing the max 10-year stretch.

Their spree? A blitz of calculated chaos. First up: A Jesmond mansion on March 31, where they vacuumed up over £1 million in designer clobber, handbags, jewelry, and a £1 million CBE medal from a charity bigwig’s safe (cracked open like a piñata). Night two: A gated Whitburn cul-de-sac, netting £100,000 in Louboutins, Louis Vuittons, and sparklers. Then, the crown jewel – or rather, the Magpie’s nest – on April 4. While Isak was out bonding with a teammate post-training (the Swede, fresh off a Carabao Cup final brace against Liverpool, returned at 10 p.m. to find his bins bizarrely relocated to the TV room), the crew smashed in, ransacked drawers for 68 grand in gems, pocketed 10k in notes, hot-wired his Audi, and even nicked a worthless leftover safe from the ex-tenant. CCTV from Isak’s “doggy cam” caught their gloved ghosts in the act; one even wore a Rolex pilfered from the Jesmond job. Busted in Birmingham on April 13 after a tip-off, the loot trail led cops to pawn shops and a damaged safe – but zero restitution.

Fast-forward to Wednesday’s POCA hearing, and the sting hit harder than any smash-and-grab. Prosecutor Daniel Cordey laid out the math: Each bandit “benefited” to the tune of £1,266,285.93, per victim valuations. But with the Nikolovs and Jela flat-broke (post-seizure), Judge Spencer – echoing Proceeds of Crime norms for judgment-proof crooks – slapped on “nominal” £1 apiece. Charlie? The outlier, forced to fork over £1,135.50 already in police coffers, or face 14 extra days inside. “Sophisticated, planned, high-value,” the judge reiterated, but added the kicker: “Reality demands symbolism when pockets are empty.” Deportation looms for the quartet (automatic for sentences over 12 months), but that’s cold comfort for victims staring at a quid that wouldn’t buy a Greggs pasty.

Isak, the 25-year-old hitman who’s banged in 21 goals for the Toon this season amid their Champions League push, didn’t mince words in a victim impact statement read aloud: “This ‘attack’ left me with unease every time I leave or return home – a sense of violation that no amount of security can erase.” His camp’s livid: “£1? For terrorizing a family man’s sanctuary? It’s not justice; it’s a green light for gangs to target stars.” Newcastle’s player liaison Glenn Patterson piled on, lamenting to the court: “I always boasted to recruits that the North East was safe – now it’s a burglar’s playground.” The ripple? Isak’s shelled out £50k on panic rooms and ex-SAS guards; whispers say he’s house-hunting south, away from the Geordie glow.

The outrage? Volcanic. #OnePoundHeist exploded on X, clocking 1.8 million posts by teatime – fans splicing the £1 coin meme with Isak’s shirtless IG flexes, captioned “Burglars got his Audi, court got his sympathy.” Toon Army diehards raged: “They scouted Benton like it was a pub crawl – now repay with pocket lint? Sack the lawmakers!” PFA chief Maheta Molango fired off a blistering tweet: “Footballers aren’t immune to fear – this nominal nonsense mocks victims. Time for a Hardship Fund overhaul.” Even neutrals joined the fray: Sky Sports’ Gary Neville, whose own pad was hit in 2018, thundered on his podcast: “£1 buys a coffee. These pros flew in for millions – make ’em sweat extradition assets from Italy!” Petitions for “Star Reparations Reform” surged past 120k signatures, with Betfair odds on a government probe at 2/1.

This isn’t isolated – it’s epidemic. The “Golden Triangle” (Alderley Edge-Wilmslow-Prestbury) and now North East enclaves like Darras Hall are gang catnip, with incidents up 300% since 2020. Chilean crews, Albanian outfits, even French phantoms have struck: Raheem Sterling’s 2021 £1m jewelry swipe (while he was home with kids), Jack Grealish’s 2023 £1m engagement ring rip-off, Wayne Rooney’s Euros medal mugging. “Disneyland for thieves,” quips Rio Ferdinand, who’s beefed up his security post-near-miss. Pundits blame Insta-brags – matchday posts screaming “Empty nest!” – fueling drone-scouted, away-game ambushes. Cheshire Police’s “Operation Golden Fleece” nabbed one ring last year, but recoveries? Laughable.

As the Jovanovic-Nikolov clan rots in Durham’s cells (expulsion pending Home Office whims), the £1 echo chamber grows. “They partied on our pain,” seethed an anonymous England cap, echoing the terror: Families barricaded, kids traumatized, stars glancing over shoulders mid-dribble. Bravo to NEROCU’s bust – Safet Ramic, the peripheral fence, walked free – but the payout punchline? A gut-punch to restorative justice. Will it spark a PFA-led lobby for seized-asset pools? Or just more £100k fortresses in football’s gilded cages?

In a league where Isak’s goals fetch nine figures, £1 feels like daylight robbery – in reverse. Premier League bosses, take note: Your stars score the headlines, but crooks are stealing the security blanket. Time to pony up more than loose change – or watch the beautiful game turn burglary ballet.